Relapse

Return to myself
Where I've recovered but still pain,
When I could laugh but still want to cry,
Confusion swarms about my head,
Maggots surrounding a sugar cube,
A plague overtaking what I hoped to be stability,
Though I am haunted by past guilt and doubt,
Regret and hurt,
Malevolent demons appear and torture,
But still I plaster on a smile and say "I'm better."
I've hoped all this time that I'm better,
But fearing myself,
Not knowing what I'm going to do next,
Cowering in the corner of my soul
In an empty and desolate frozen desert of my existance.
Black and white, no more extremes,
All is gray now and I plead for some sort of cessation.
To a clouded sky I pray for some sensation,
A noise to block out the voices
That consistantly repeat how worthless I am,
And I open my mouth to say something worthwhile and
Only the most asinine words are permitted to wander.
How I yearn for some attention, some sort of reassurance
Of how I am beautiful,
And of how I can be important to at least one person.
I can't handle the instability,
The bickering, everything's so new but I've been here before.
My misery is my only muse,
I can only fully express myself when I am at my lowest point,
I try honesty as my best policy,
But the more I talk, the more easily the lies flow.
The best way to lie is to believe it yourself, right?
I believed I'm better...
I'm in no way better...
I am the same old coward,
Still scared to look in the mirror,
For apprehension of seeing the others that lie within me...
The winged beasts that scream and make it their lives' mission to burn me...
Cut me, I want to bleed,
Hurt me now,
Want to die every day,
A wish for an end...
The Angel of Death would be a god-send...

Please don't take notice of my scars,
They're my tale of ongoing punishment,
What I've done wrong even when I thought I was right,
In and out of hospitals,
The same old ignorance in every instituition,
Just from a different hair-lined feminine mouth,
Scribbling their labels and diagnoses on their legal pads,
Blue on yellow,
Messy handwriting...
Don't talk back to me...
Just listen, please...
Goddess, somebody listen to me,
I beg and cry, sobbing for an ear
Or a shoulder to be near.
Hide, run away, disappear from everything,
Face nothing down,
For I am afraid...
Afraid of who loves me,
Afraid of myself.
Save me from the depths of hell
In which apparitions of my soul persue.
Gently embrace my past and help me melt it away,
Don't let my mind wander into such fevers of doubt,
Sweating out the courage,
Adrenaline only pushing me to rip my flesh open,
Whore, whore, whore,
Sleep with anyone that says, "I love you,"
Believe them, because I hunger and lust for some sort of attention...
To be ignored is to demand another incision.
Quietly I continue on,
Committing the most selfish of acts just to get the spotlight for once,
Recognize me for my accomplishments
And not my mistakes...
Mommy, Daddy, tell me you're proud,
I'm the reliable one,
But still the scared little kitten howling in the night
At a new moon for even the most ephemeral attention.
So innocent, yet so guilty,
I never mean to hurt anyone, but it just happens,
That's why they love me, I never really mean to do anything...
How long will I be able to believe that?
Carry me from my gigantic bed to yet another stretcher,
The poison making me weak,
Over 80 pills this time,
Everything's blurry yet so clear,
Why'd I do it this time?
I don't know, just pass me another beer.
The EMT's are talking,
Incessant babble that I don't understand,
The hap-lock needle pierces my vein and I smile to myself,
I need blood, I hear,
I need fluids,
I need to stay alive...
Leave me alone, just let me die.
Back to another hospital in ole Virginny,
The siren blares as I whisper a wish for a dirge,
The sun is so bright,
My sisters' cries so loud,
It's my parents' anniversary.
I wanted to die and they're going to go home and have a barbeque.
Enjoy your hickory smoked animal flesh
While I sign myself into another sanctuary
In which I have no freedom.
Mommy searches for someone that understands her situation,
A friend is what she needs, a helping hand to rely on.
Daddy searches to hide,
If he doesn't deal with his problems, then they have to go away.
Sisters search to deal with righteous anger,
Disappointed with me, no sympathy this time.
Lover went away,
Couldn't stay and play,
I guess every angel grows wings and intolerance,
How many times can I apologize before I forgive myself?
Still even those wings are scabbed,
Everytime he tried to take flight, I'd cut him down again,
Tie him down with his own feathers
But now I can release him,
Bandage his wounds and create my own.
Stop acting out, let the air of hostility blow me over,
And let my closest ones blow me off.
Hand the responsibility to me, I don't mind,
I'll do all the work
Even though I'm not the only one here.
But hey, it's not like I have anything better to do...

Break my back
Bending over backwards to please myself,
Setting goals I know I cannot acheive,
But oh, how I hope to be a better person.

~Abagail L. age 15

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