I have depression.
You don't know how hard it was for me to write those three words. I don't want to admit even to myself that I'm sick. I want to forget that I'm so sad every day, that I wake up the same every day, cursing the fact that I'm alive. I don't want to know.
I'm 21 years old and I have had depression for years.
Sometimes I think to myself that I'm just full of it, I'm not really down. I think that's because I've had depression for so long now, that 'down' is normal to me. It's a momentous occasion when I actually feel good about life, or myself, for even two minutes.
Right now I'm going through a pretty 'good' week. I haven't cried all day long day after day this week. I haven't lay in bed wishing I would waste away into dust. But a lot of the time I do.
Most of my life I feel like I'm hanging in the balance. I'm not really living and I'm always trying not to wish I was dead. That in itself takes up a lot of my energy.
As a young female I should be enjoying my life, seeking new opportunities, meeting people, you know, just the usual stuff 'normal' people do. But I'm not. I'm a waste of space because all I think about is my sadness. Because that's all I do, I then think I'm a self obsessed moron and that makes me feel even worse.
I don't want to be like this.
Why is there such a thing as depression or cancer or hurt and pain? Why??????????
I get so angry about it all sometimes, the way the world is. It's as if all of the hurt and sadness and pain is on high volume in my life and all of the good stuff stays far away and I don't know WHY. That's the hardest part of it all, not knowing WHY. WHY I feel so low, WHY I wish I were someone else, someone who's happy and joyous, someone, anyone, but me. I just don't know why.
Anyway I'm raving and I can't even be bothered to finish this because I feel so crap today.
Thanks for all of your stories, they make me feel sad for you, but comforted that I'm not alone. I hope everyone finds happiness in their days, somewhere.
anonymous