She wants somebody to know her, to know who she is. Even though at this point in her life, she doesn't not know who she is. She thinks that she might be asking other people to define her, to tell her who she is. Maybe she doesn't want figure it out for herself, because that's too difficult and she just really doesn't know how to do that. She doesn't know how to integrate herself, because she really feels like she has multiple personalities. It feels like a little child is taking over, a little child who is scared to death of what she doesn't know and doesn't want to try new things. She fears that if she fails, other people will notice what a loser she really is. That she is so incompetent that she will fail at anything that she tries. She doesn't want to confirm what everybody has been thinking all along. Which is that everybody thinks she's so ugly, so dumb, that she can't do anything right. Her strongest inner voice that tells her so.
But she has another little voice that tells her that people do not really think that she is a loser, that most of them like her and love her. All the other stuff is just in her head. But that little voice gets lost somewhere, it's drowned out by the other voice that just won't leave her alone.
In fact she seems to not want to let go of this. Maybe she doesn't really want to deal with herself. Maybe she's taking the easy way out as she always does. Trying to hide from herself, which is something that isn't possible. Which she found out and thought that she was dealing with it. But she and others wonder if this is really what she wants. Maybe she wants to stay like this, God only knows why. She is miserable, she wants to be like this. That's what she is beginning to understand. That this is of her own doing, she and she alone makes the choices that make her like this.
She herself chooses to hide from the world, hoping that maybe the world will just leave her alone. That maybe all the people will stop asking her to do things which scare her to death, things that she might fail at. Which will make everyone notice her and all her faults and stupidities.
She doesn't want to things, because deep down she thinks that if she doesn't do anything she can't get hurt. Maybe she even believes (or wants to believe) that this is the way she will get the happiness that she dreams of. But she knows. Rationally she knows this is not the way. This is not the way that she is going to get it. If she ever wants to get something that she wants she will have to go get it herself. But she doesn't go after the things she wants. She doesn't even really know what she wants. She just sits, waits and dreams of the life she wants, but doesn't think she deserves and is never going to get. She doesn't believe that she has the strength, the talent and the will to do anything worth while.
Why can't she just live her life without worrying about what other people think of her. She wonders if she is ever going to be able to do that. Can she set herself free, she looks at the birds outside and she is jealous of them. She wants to be a bird, fly.
She feels like she's having a bad dream and she prays that somebody will come along and wake her up. And she will wake to find herself living the life that she wants and dreams of. But she knows in her head that this is not the case and that makes her want to give up and just crawl in a hole somewhere and just disappear. Escape from her personal hell. How desperately she wishes that she could just disappear. She feels like a totally weak person, who is running away from all her stuff. Which she is, but really she doesn't know what to do. Or is too afraid to do anything.
She has this feeling of emptiness, like there is something missing in her life. She wonders how it happened, has she always been like this? She tries to remember, but her memory fails her. Her only defence is to run away and act like there is nothing wrong. She is trying to change, at least she thinks she is. She is not really sure about anything, does she really want to change? She can't stop thinking about it. She wants to stop thinking and just do. But how?
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