I am going to share my experiences that I have had over the last few years, then add some things I have learnt along the way. I hope that you find something you can relate to or get some understanding for yourself.
My first experience with problems with my mood started in 1993 when I was 24 yrs old. I was in my final year of nursing training; my son was 6yrs old. From being a model student with good marks, I began to fail my subjects, couldn't concentrate on practical placements. At home I was up at night not able to sleep, I didn't eat often but when I did I was high sugar, fatty foods. Worst though was the state of my mind. My thoughts were so loud and intense. I was paranoid and suspicious.
I went to the doctor and he put me on Prozac. I went to the polytechnic counsellor who was my lifeline. After one month of Prozac I was fine, couldn't be better. Stopped the Prozac. I breezed through the remainder of my studies. Looking back I think the anti- depressant had sent me into a high, I loved the state I was in, I was confident and had so much energy.
In 1995, I moved to another town for a job ironically in mental health, but soon I found myself drinking more and more heavily. I would spend my days off drunk or hung over. I felt miserable. My son didn't like it when I drank, I would drink only at night, so my mission was to get him into bed. When I drank I sometimes would act out on my wanderlust leaving my poor son at home asleep. One time he woke up and I wasn't there. I had smashed a radio in a rage. He thought I had been kidnapped and went to the neighbours who were also my landlords. On my return I found a terse note on the door saying to go to bed and pick up my son in the morning. I thank God they didn't report me to the authorities.
I got the message then though and decided to get help. I saw my problem as the alcohol, so I started attending AA. I did the steps as best I could, read every AA book, attended 7 or 8 meetings per week, went to conferences as only someone who is hypomanic can, but after 18 months people who had started going to AA at the same time as me were getting better and settling down, but not me. WHY?? I asked myself and God and others. I was frustrated with myself I would go along well for a while then something would take control of me and I would change and be a different person. I would do things that I would never dream of doing normally. It was like when I got drunk and lost my inhibitions, but when you are intoxicated you just do things you would like to do but are too embarrassed or repressed or whatever to do. I however felt like I had to do things I never dreamed of doing, like someone was controlling me.
A lot of my AA friends were getting sick of me, but one suggested that I try a rehab, so desperate I did. So mid 1997 I took some time off work and booked into a facility. There I was diagnosed as depressed. I wasn't even aware, I had been miserable for so long
it had become normal. Life had become the basics, work, feed my son, meetings, sleep as for housework well I'll do it tomorrow While I was at rehab I had my first experience hearing voices, that I didn't tell anyone. I figured they can say I am an alcoholic [which I'm not, I have certainly abused alcohol but I haven't been dependant on it so I have learned] but voices were another matter.
I started on Prozac which made me agitated and jumpy so started on Aropax [Paroxetine]. Things quickly picked up, I got my dream job, I cut my meetings back and started spending time with my son and felt CONTENT a wonderful feeling. Then in December all hell broke loose. I had what I now believe to be a mixed episode, lots of energy with and an urge to socialise but with a low mood and black thoughts. I became obsessed with past issues of trauma which I had deal with but with the depressed thinking all the skeletons came out of the closet. During this time I took overdoses twice and ended up being a patient in the same mental health service that I worked in, but in a different part. It was embarrassing as I knew some of the people, but I was so desperate I just wanted help. I was taken off the antidepressant and started seeing a psychiatrist. I took a month off work, it was the first real holiday I had had since 1991, when I started my studies. I had not wanted to stop work before, I had been too scared that if I stopped I would never get back. Things settled down, I think now it was because once again the antidepressant had sent me into an episode of altered mood.
I don't know why the doctor stopped the meds, but the result was that by Feb. 1998 I entered the darkest period of my life. I entered the darkest depression. My days consisted of sitting or lying around with those heavy, intense, booming, painful thoughts which mainly consisted of how there was no hope any more and the only option was to be dead. I seemed to have so many things wrong that could not be made right. I thought I was such a bad person I didn't deserve anything. Now I know that to have been my depression talking. The things that kept me going was the distraction of work when I could take my mind off myself, writing in my journal and for a while at least turning each negative thought around, but after about a month I had lost the energy to do that. Things came to a head and I ended up listening to my depression and took an overdose. It was then I had my first admission to hospital. I was in for one week, then three weeks later for another week. It was then that they put me on Serzone, which can make you a bit sedated but it didn't send me into a high. I also took Stelazine as I got the old paranoia back again Pretty soon I was back on my feet, my thinking returned to normal, I returned to work which I got my enthusiasm back for and a few months later I stopped seeing the psychiatric services and started seeing a trauma counsellor as they thought the obsession with the trauma associated with the depression was post traumatic stress disorder. That stuff didn't bother me any more but the counsellor was very helpful.
WARNING When things are going alright don't mess with things. I had to get a report for the professional body I am under. I saw a psychiatrist for a review and he suggested a medication review and to go on Aropax[Paroxetine] as the Serzone was a bit sedating. Well to cut this already long story a bit shorter Aropax=Mixed episode=overdoses=hospital=my psychiatrist won't let me back to work as "now what has changed". At this stage she thought that I had PTSD and I didn't know what the hell was going on.
Although I was hardly drinking at all due to alcohol and drug counselling which taught me to be aware of how, when and where I was drinking I decided that another rehab would be in order, which would give me a chance to address all the issues in my life that caused me any problems in a safe and supportive place, and get the shrink to let me back to work whilst I still had a job to go to.
Following this on my return to work, which was initially in a ward for a period of time so I could be in a supportive environment [and so they could keep an eye on me] all went well, they kept an eye on me for a while until they discovered that just because a person has a mental illness that it didn't mean that they are incompetent and left me to get on with things.
Then the inevitable happened I was taken off the Risperidone that I had been taking and in February of this year I experienced the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me, I had an episode of mania. I felt wonderful for a while. I was not just happy I was overcome with the joys of life, I had so much energy, I had so many plans and not enough time to do them because I just kept on coming up with newer and better plans and schemes and theories. People had to be told and I told them even if it was in the middle of the night. I couldn't wait, I couldn't stop moving and fidgeting. My thoughts were racing at a million miles per hour, so fast that sometimes my mouth couldn't keep up. Then it wasn't so fun anymore people started to annoy me I got irritable and nasty I became suspicious of people, that they were trying to got me to hold me back and then one morning my mood dropped I was devastated I didn't want to go through another depression. I thought I would rather be dead. By now I had learned that when my thinking is like this GET HELP. That afternoon I was in hospital by that night my mood had returned to a glorious high, so I discharged myself against medical advice, after all I knew much more than the doctor, or so I thought. Next morning I was back not depressed, but I knew things weren't right.
I had an increase in the Epilim [Sodium Valproate] that I had been taking since I was a child at a low dose as an anti-convulsant to a level that is therapeutic for mood disorders and got better.
It took until about April to get back to my normal self, but now 4 mths later I feel like my old self back. The loss of control and uncertainty of how I will be is gone and I am now able to make plans for the future. I feel like I have my mind back.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNT
-If you are in the middle of depression remember as day follows night the depression will pass
-Seek help, if the first person can't help ask someone else
-Be honest with your doctor
-Don't trust every thing as gospel. Take what is right for you and leave the rest.
-Establish a good sleep pattern, nights can be the worst.
-Don't trust anything your brain says after 11pm
-Eat regular meals
-Don't isolate, if you find yourself avoiding people, notice this and get out and see someone.
-Take medication as prescribed
-Look after yourself
Thank you for reading this, it has been helpful to me to write it and I hope you were able to get something for yourself
Sonia