I am a teacher. I teach sixth through eight grade, the hormone years. I watch my students grow and change as they go through that difficult period of adolescence. I find that I understand them. I am young for a teacher; I began teaching at age 23. After four years, I can still identify with them, through my memory of those horrid years and through some of my recent experiences.
I came to my eating disorder around the age of my students, yet it only became full force in the past two years. This timing gives me a special ability to see eating disorders from both sides of the fence at once, the sufferer and the guardian. This is where I stand when I write, on both sides of the fence of eating disorders.
I write my feelings below. Use them, discuss them, and try to feel them. Then be understanding and patient as your children learn what I am learning-- that they are inherently good.
I know I am a beautiful person, inside and out. That knowledge was a struggle to learn and accept. The ability to write that statement has been long in coming.
Feelings within
Fear, loneliness, and a need for acceptance have manifested themselves as an eating disorder. What in life caused these feelings and the idea that being beautiful is being thin is individual and personal. However how I have dealt with these issues and what they mean is less personal and (only slightly) more universal.
"I am hungry," yet I push the feeling away and do not acknowledge it, "I'm not hungry" and I feel nothing; I am no longer afraid, scared of what may happen and all the "what ifs" in my brain.
I am scared. I need to hear, "I love you." I must feel wanted, yet I believe I am not Ð I am inherently unlovable, ugly. The ugliness can change; I have that power. Not eating will make me beautiful (thin) and lovable. I can get all the food out and be empty Ð emptiness cannot hurt, it does not love and it doesn't not love. I will be safe.
These are my thoughts and my feeling, when the eating disorder talks...when food hurts and
comforts...when I cannot push it out...when I am sick.
No fault, No blame
I am sick. This is what I wish my parents understood when they think I am searching for what they "did wrong." There is no fault, no blame, it just is Ð a fact that must be dealt with. But I am getting better.
Feeling feelings
I must accept feelings, hunger and all else. Feel all of the things inside, and then file them away and not worry. But feeling always come up Ð what should I do then?
I can no longer comfort myself or calm myself in old ways. Instead, I feel scared, lonely, anxious, sad, and uneasy. But I can also feel happiness and love. I can smile and mean it, from deep down inside my belly.
I did think I was feeling, but my ugliness, my fat body, did not give me the right to feel good. Other people stories
I read now and write. I am my own person that identifies with parts of other people's stories. I often offer books to family and friends who are struggling with my illness with the caution that everyone is unique, in the sick world and in the healthy one.
Everyone is different and special. To say that everyone who has this disorder feels the same is naive. I cannot say how another sufferer feels, thinks, or will react. Therefore, when reading books, please remember that no one is a statistic; don't discount anyone as a sickness. A person suffers from a disease, but a person still has everyday issues, concerns, happiness, and sadness. I do want you to understand the illness and its part in my life. Please always remember, even while being concerned about my illness, to also be concerned about me.
Internal vs. External feelings
I say, "I am fine." Even as I walk into my therapist's office I tell her "I am fine." "I feel great," I say, "much better and not worried anymore." This is my external shell. Once you get inside me, you get my internal feelings, and I only let a few people in. No one can know about the sadness or the anxiety. That is kept to myself. My shell is built of missed meals, hidden snacks, and secret acts. Internally I am often a mess, but not always. I have good days too. It is hard not to push for my feelings, not to say, "you'll feel better if you eat." It is true, physically, I feel better when I eat, until my brain chimes in and makes me feel and look fat. My brain has been taken over by an alien being, it plays host to an eating disorder and the eating disorder speaks in place of logic.
Ask what you can do
I recognize it is hard to understand. What do you say? What can't you say? The best way to know this is to ask. With that advice comes a warning: The answers WILL change, so keep asking!!! I know that if someone asks "What can I do, is there something I shouldn't say?" They have given me permission to say to them, "What you are doing/saying is good/bad."
For example, I don't like being told I look healthy. To me that means I am chubby. When I am told I am beautiful I also need to be told, "but a little thin." That might not sound like a compliment to you, but those close to me know that is what I need to hear (assuming it is true, and I must believe the person speaking is honest about this issue). I taught them what is needed; now they can help and feel like they are doing something for my recovery.
Trust
I often wonder who or even what is right. What will always be? What can be counted on? Who can I trust? The answers vary depending on the situation, but one thing is always constant. I am not ever on the list. Me. Myself.
It is easy to get back to my "sick" way of thinking when confused or anxious. The only way I can be right, and good is by doing the one thing I can do that, it seems, no one else can: make myself beautiful. If I am thin, then I'll be right, good, and trustworthy. I am now working on other ways to trust myself, but how to do this is not easy to figure out. How does a person know when they are right when faced with adversity? I give in just to make others happy. As long as no one is mad, upset, or otherwise displeased then I will be okay. It really does not matter what I truly believe, because I only know what I believe when the idea or act is passed through someone else's approval, if not in person then in my head (what would so and so say?). If I am 'being judged' then I must have done something wrong. In my head no one else is wrong, only me. So I change myself, and always ask the question, "what did I do wrong?"
Control
Those whom I trust have control over me; I give it to them because I don't trust myself or my own opinions. We give them power by following their instruction, by knowing what they think and abiding by it. I do not trust myself and therefore have no power. I give it over to those I trust. But who? What is truth is trustworthy. That is it. What is the only truth, the only constant I can control as well as trust?
Food is calories. Food is fat. Food controls my size and beauty. But I can control food. I take away its control and therefore have power. Yet I still have no power because I am constantly not trustworthy when it comes to food. I want, I need, and I crave food. I am constantly fighting to keep myself from getting carried away. Yet, if I do get carried away I can take back control, I can get rid of the food in my body, force it out. All around me there are people and things that control me and until I can trust myself, they have complete control...except in one realm, and in that realm I have more control then they have. They eat, they might get fat, they cannot control themselves the way I can. This is the one place I am good. I have control over the food.
At least I thought I had control over the food, until the eating disorder took that away. I am slowly taking that control away from the eating disorder. I watch what I eat; I write down what I eat; I count what I eat. I do not let the eating disorder have that control, the control that makes me stop eating. I will eat, properly. I will no longer be afraid of getting carried away, because I have the knowledge and I have the truth and I have control and in this I am starting to trust myself. Working on getting better
When I am resisting the old way of thinking, I get back to working on my real feelings, with the feedback and help from people I trust. They must also be honest with their feelings, about me and about themselves. If I am scared, what am I scared of? How could I deal with it? I am scared about something, and it is not that I am too fat, and therefore unlovable. If I am lonely I need to be with loving people or remind myself that I have people who do love me. I am not lonely because I am too fat.
Be Patient
The one thing most needed is patience. I must learn to be patient with myself and I need those close to me to be patient with me. Openness, a willingness to talk about difficult issues, and a need for each other and ourselves comes along with patience. That and a desire to have recovery will see me, will see us, through the tough times. Even if we don't always admit it, we all want to be better. I know I do. All I ask of those around me is patience.

Esther

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