I am a survivor!

Praise You God, that alas one of the major trials of my life-- one which I have always feared-- is finally upon me (as I knew that some uncertain day it would be). For now I can FINALLY begin to deal with it, the trial, instead of the horrible dread and worry that captivated me by threatening my soul in such a way that worry controls my being-- and not the actual trial or trials themselves.

Thought this trial is tough; it is real compared to the phantoms of anxiety from worry that normally haunt me. So now I can put all of myself into bringing about the positives possibilities that can happen-- instead of the negative assumptions I always were sure would happen.

I know in time I’m always at a different place than I ever have been before mentally, spiritually and physically. So maybe this time things might be different. I also can make it a point to try and have more of a say-so, greater effort, and additional control with this trial than with the trials of my past.

However when I feel like i'm out of control or very overwhelmed I can realize that, at this very second, I will have lived another second, minute or hour with that feeling from when it began. And as time heals all wounds, it will never stop, and continues to march on even now, as I write and you read.

The passage of time makes me that much closer to the next break in the cycle and closer every day eventually to greater freedom. Yet as time marches on, the suffering is just a living testament to me and those like me who’s scars shout out “I AM A SURVIVOR! There is a just reward for such suffering. One day we will have justice... And justice and greater freedom will be ours!”.


4/8/97

Success for me now means survival and the ability to create and continue to find life when so often its nowhere to be found.
(Robert C. McGuire Jr.)