He has always been 'a little different'. The words cut deeper than a 12 inch knife could.

Go back to 1995. There is one gift store in our town of 400. They were celebrating their first year in business and as a fellow business man I wanted to make their open house a success. In a small town people stop by at these events as moral support, not necessarily to actually buy something. The only people in the store was the owner and a few of her gossip friends. I quietly walked around looking at the various craft items and wall decorations, wondering what I could buy. I didn't need anything but wanted to show I supported other businesses in town. I walked around a corner as I looked and I assume the owner thought I had left. I overheard a muffled question about me then the louder response. "He has always been a little different." I quietly left the store; embarrassed, ashamed, confused, and definitely hurt. I dated this lady's daughter in high school and she was always very friendly. You never know what people really think.

I had always viewed myself as a little shy but had many friends. I had a happy childhood and, although not athletically talented, participated in basketball, baseball and track. I learned and still live by the rules taught by the Boy Scouts of America. I have served of committees at church. I have always admitted I did things a little differently, wondering what would happen if it was done the other way. Now my self confidence, which was always a little low, took a nose dive. Life went on.

1998 - The ag economy got more worse than usual and I could see my parts store / repair shop was not strong enough to handle the hard times ahead. I closed the doors instead of borrowing money to save a sinking ship. Months later I found a job in the field that I really love and was trained for. Computer support for an Internet Service Provider. What I thought was a perfect job; helping people with configuration problems plus I was chosen to maintain remote sites. This gave me time to myself. It was on these drives between sites that things got bad. I would get confused on tasks that I knew I knew. I would have dizzy spells and other symptoms. I knew something needed to be done. The straw that broke the camels back was a scheduled flight to Florida for an intensive 2 week training. Although I have flown before with no problem the very thought of this trip caused panic attacks. A few trips to the doctor finally ended with the advice to quit the job as soon as possible, move back home to family support (no mention of mental illness though). I did just that, not only loosing a paycheck and dream job but as important, insurance.

Year 2000. I am back to the place I left feeling embarrassed, ashamed, confused, etc. My family wants to help but just doesn't have a clue. Upon returning, a well meaning lady started to ask if we had everything unpacked but stopped and said "Oh, maybe I should ask your wife." Apparently the word was out that I had a "problem" and she thought I couldn't handle such a difficult question. In the 2 years since then I have only had one bad incident. In a somewhat heated discussion a lady retaliated with "Well, I am not the nut case on medication". I left the discussion at that. I consider myself intelligent. Besides a degree in electronic engineering I have taught myself numerous computer languages, operated my own web site & hosting business for over 3 years, and am currently passing a course on network administration certification with a 3.8 GPA.

This condition is not a weakness in my character or a reflection on my intelligence. It is a chemical imbalance in an organ of my body. Not unlike bad hearing or poor eyesight (both of which I live with). It was not chosen, it just happened. Although I do not dwell on what people "think", it is a problem in a small town. The jobs available are working in grain storage, stocking shelves at the grocery store, or at the local high school. The first 2 would bore anyone to death - moving wheat from a truck to a grain auger or counting cans of corn on the shelves. Inquiries at the school has been met with embarrassed replies of "We will let you know". My interpretation is "We will let you know when we want our kids around a nut case." After exhausting all possibilities my next step is to do what I thought (and swore) would never happen, I must apply for public assistance or loose what little I have left. Instead of being allowed to contribute to society by working I will become a burden.

I don't have much hope for our town that lives in the 1950's but I pray the rest of the world will soon learn the truth about mental illness. I also keep hope that the scientific community will make strides in understanding the workings of the human brain and find ways to treat (cure ???) these conditions.

Thank you,
stujo

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