I have been plagued with serious mental illness for almost thirty years. I was 23 years old when I first entered into this world. At 23 my symptomology was diagnosed as a classical schizophrenic break. Ten years later psychiatrists at Downstate Medical said, "No, not schizophrenic at all, but manic-depression." Ten years after that, when the term became fashionable, it was called, schizo-affective.

Actually none of these are exactly correct, these diagnosis are broad categories, some people's symptoms fit like a glove, others, like myself, fit just approximately.

My brain chemistry, or my essence, or my soul was somehow damaged by the use of LSD in the 60's. When I am not manic, schizophrenic or depressed (a very small window) I am normal and productive as anyone you might know. I am only manic or schizophrenic for a month or two, every five, seven or ten years, but it always devastates my life leaving only remnants to build upon to regenerate some kind of life. As the years go on, I not only get older, but more worn out from it all, with many bridges left burned behind me.

Most of the time I suffer from depression to various degrees. Sometimes very severe, sometimes moderate, but always present -- I cannot even remember what it feels like to be "normal."

I have tried every pharmaceutical over the years, orthomolecular regimes, herbs, diets, vitamin drips, acupuncture, hypnosis and a host of other things, and nothing really helps much.

Now, past 50 years old, having recently had a severe episode in which I lost nearly everything accumulated during 6 very productive years, I find myself in a deeper depression than I have ever known before. It is a serious struggle just to make it through an "easy day."

I keep trying -- new things and new approaches, but this time is the hardest. If I can get out of this depression it will be a miracle.

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