Nine years after hospital - a personal account by Sandra

It's now nine years since my last and most severe bout of clinical illness. I was remanded in prison for acting in a confused way, and then had five months mainly in hospital as an in-patient, followed by ten months as an outpatient on lithium having been diagnosed as bi-polar and two years on probation for breach of the peace.

Shortly before prison the social services snatched my four year old daughter out of my arms and placed her with a foster family for seven months. The wish not to have this happen again has frightened me into being more careful with my health and remaining out of hospital and staying clear of the social work department.

The first few months after discharge from hospital, and before regaining custody of my daughter were the worst. I felt extremely depressed but had the 'common sense' to keep my mouth shut about this as I felt that saying how I felt would land me back in hospital possibly with ECT this time and

I would lose my daughter for good. I took a half-hearted overdose of sleeping pills on New Years Eve. Thankfully all that happened was that I went out like a light for twenty fours hours and then came round.

The first ten months or so after hospital were spent participating in a dreary round of meetings and activities that I went along with in order to keep the professionals satisfied that I was ok so that eventually they would phase themselves out of my life. Tactically, co-operation of this sort was probably the soundest move but I felt that if I led my guard slip and said to the nursery nurses at the childrens centre, the occupational therapist at the outpatient gardening project, my social worker or my consultant psychiatrist how depressed I really felt the whole house of cards would come tumbling down and I would be back on Ward 5 of the Royal Ed.

I knew roughly how many months it would take for my depression to lift and waited it out myself.

For two years I took part in a local self help group but as I left as I disliked the faction fighting and internal power politics.

Nine years on I lead a life that appears 'normal' to the outside world. During this time I have taken a couple of risks that I have coped with; having a second child as a single parent, blowing my savings on a trip to Australia a couple of years ago and moving from one end of the UK to the other. Myself and my two daughters lived in a bed and breakfast hotel for homeless people for six months and while I was there I met my partner; we both had the same job - selling the Big Issue. This may seem like a disastrous way to meet someone but two years on we are still together leading a settled life, renting a flat which we plan to buy and in regular jobs.

At the present time I feel I still have a disorder but it is not at a clinical level. I don't take any medication but I need more sleep than the average person. Every 3 -4 weeks I have quite a nasty bout of depression which lasts about 24 hours and where I say mean things to my partner and the kids. These depressions as lessening with time but I am worried that they may wreck the relationship I'm in.

I work part-time as a market research interviewer. The work is flexible but limited in scope and I have also started doing voluntary work at a drop-in centre with a view to broadening my work opportunities.

I am also writing a work of fiction about a group a people who work on a gardening project.

What upsets me most about mental illness is the process of institutionalisation, the way people can start out with all their chances ahead of them and can end up leading increasingly limited lives, losing ambition and a life outside the mental health scene. I also wonder 'what price normal?' just leading the same life as everyone else, saving my little socks off to get a mortgage, not telling people about past experiences so I don't get the cold shoulder and so my kids are allowed to play with theirs, how relevant is all this? But I'm not sure that I want to live outside the mainstream of society. I also have not yet explained fully to my daughter how she had seven months in foster care.

I welcome any responses from people with similar issues in their lives.

With best wishes

Sandra


Return to main page