I always loved to be in complete control of life. To have everything fit in its nice little box. To go through all of the passages of life without undo stress, within my timing and no outside influence. I went to college when ready, married, had children. All this planned in my way. It worked for a long time however God has a way of showing his children whom is truly in control and its not me. Five years ago I first heard bipolar used with my name. I had watched my dear brother and other family member's struggle with this illness but I felt I had somehow willed it away from me. After giving birth to my second child the genes that were quiet for many years suddenly raged within me and my nicely ordered world began to fall apart. I was depressed. I couldn't bond with this beautiful baby. The first time in my life after fighting it I began taking medication for depression. Then I experienced what happened to my brother when he would go 90 miles an hour, work 16-hour days, talk fast and take risks. I was out of control but kept a great deal inside and hidden from my family. At last I broke down and told a trusted friend and a counselor whose reaction made me angry. She said that if I didn't get help she would get it for me.
When I finally got down on my knees and asked God to help me I hadn't slept for weeks. I was exhausted, depressed and suicidal. I admitted that I couldn't will this illness away. I began medication and after a month the haze began to clear and I've learned so much. I can be bipolar and live a normal life although I will always need medication. I'm humbled by the misconceptions I had about people who have a MH diagnosis because that's me now and I'm not sure I used to be very fair.
I am much different now. I don't have to feel the constant strain of always controlling everything. Of trying to make life go a certain direction for others and myself. I am at peace with wonderful family, God, and myself. I go through what all of my friends with BP struggle with. Occasional set backs, blood work, medication changes, and general societal lack of understanding. However I'm not sure I would change one thing about my life at this point if it meant giving up the lessons learned.
DS