Imagine your life, the life of young boy or girl, rushing off to school because they woke up ten minutes late. Imagine a woman waking up before the sun rises to cook breakfast for her family and nurse her baby as she helps dress the other kids, her husband telling her that the cable guy is coming by to check the wiring to their room, she sighs with relief as her husband leaves for work, her children off to school and the baby down for a nap. She pauses only a few minutes, then getting up to clean the house. Imagine the life of a man, waking up early every morning to fight the morning traffic as he drives two hours to work, because he cannot find a job in his home town, making enough to support his family of three. Now look inside yourself, see what you endure each day, what you accomplish.
Imagine a life of not knowing what tomorrow brings. Imagine walking down the street, flirting with the boy next door, he asks you out on a date, and you accept his offer! You go to the movies with him, enjoy the movie and the dinner that followed. Now imagine you're the same person, the handsome neighbor asks you out, but you have to decline, because you cannot go on dates anymore. You cannot enjoy the movie or the dinner that followed. You have an illness called Agoraphobia. You cannot go to work everyday to fight the angry mob ahead of you, the traffic that closes in on you. You cannot remember what it was like to eat at a restaurant the weekend after you got that paycheck.
The movies you love to watch have to be rented by a family member just so you can keep up with all the new actors and actresses. The life you once loved, going shopping, the movie theaters, roller coasters, boys/girls, parties, friends, hanging out, bowling, things you cannot do because your afraid to leave your home. How do you feel when your out and having fun? Imagine how you would feel if you cannot do that and know that you may never be able to do that again. You dreams are crushed, may it be that you wished you were a teacher, had kids, owned your own home or found true love. And now that you have this mental illness, you may never know what that feels like. That honeymoon to Hawaii can never be.
What if you had kids and you came down with this disorder? No Disney Land when their five, no open houses at their school, no going to their games because your too afraid, so not only do your dreams die, but so do theirs. Everyone's lives around you are affected, some end up hating you, or resenting you, or maybe your lucky and they understand, but you end up hating yourself. Because you know if it weren't for you they could go where ever they want to go and you wouldn't hold them back. Then your faced with wanting to die, do you give up and kill yourself, or fight back. Sadly many people give up.
I know because this is my life.... I am the one with Agoraphobia, I am the one who holds my family back. I have been faced too many times with should I kill myself, but I see the pain other's go through when losing a loved one, and I decide living is better. I cannot remember the way it used to be. I no longer know what it is like to go out and not be afraid. I fear I will never know so I give up. I hear people complain that they don't want to deal with the everyday routine that is their life. And I resent these people, because I would give anything to live their life. I want to go back to work and go out with my boyfriend to a movie or dinner. I wanna be able to say hey let's go to the pool hall and shoot some pool. Or hey let's go over to so and so's and have a barbeque.
I want to get and the car and drive to the bay area to see my niece. I want to be independent again, and know what it is like to work, bring home that paycheck and say hey, I want to buy a new outfit or pay my family back for all they have done for me. I want to send my boyfriend on that fishing trip to Mexico and say hey I want to go with you. But, I can't because I am too afraid. So when you sit there and say I hate going to work, I don't want to deal with that traffic, or your girlfriend or boyfriend sais let's go see a movie, don't say no, don't give up! Because tomorrow may be the last time you can ever go. You can end up like me a stranger to the world I once loved so much.
A sad lonely woman with no friends, and a relationship that I fear will end any day because it is so hard for my boyfriend to be told no I can't go with you. He has to go see that movie alone, or play pool with his buddies instead of the woman he loves. I took the life I once had for granted and now it is gone. It isn't just a memory because I can't remember how it felt. I forgot how to throw all caution to the wind. I forgot independence, I forgot freedom, I forgot pure laughter. I am all alone because no one truly knows how to help me. Medications aren't working, therapy isn't helping, life is slipping away. I may never get better, but I have to believe in hope. I have to believe one day I will get better.
I am so jealous, jealous of all of you who can go to a dance at school, or drive to the mall to meet with your friends. I am jealous of all those people I see walking hand in hand hugging and kissing the one you love while walking into a store. All of you who go on trips, or just go out cruising on the streets with your friends, all of you who go to work, I am jealous of you! Please I beg of you do not take your life for granted, be thankful you can wake up in the morning, make money, drive to work, go outside further than your front yard and drive by yourself to the local store.
I wish I could..........
Dear Readers,
I have researched mental illnesses since mine began two years ago. In my study I have come to the realization that no one really knows anything about these conditions. Sure, they know the keys that help to start mental illness, but what really started it? Could we have done something different? Why do we have to deal with them? Why me? Why does this control my life? Is life really worth dealing with this? Many Doctors have tried to help rid us of these issues, but have they done what they set out to do? No! The reason is this simple answer, they don't know!
In life we try to answer without really listening to the question. My study was a self study. I contacted many organizations that dealt with mental illness. I came to realize I was the best research patient (guinea pig if you will). I recorded my sleeping patterns, my eating habits, my good days and bad days, even my panic attacks. My studies made me realize one thing, I was different than anyone else I had read about.
I am not well! Reading this will not make you well again. I cannot assure you it will even help, but I can help you to understand more about these emotional difficulties. I can tell you about myself, when it started, what lead up to starting it, what I have done to help it, and what helped me the most! I will even tell you the parts of my life where hope seemed to be high and when hope failed and I turned to hurting myself and even trying to end my pain permanently. Thank you!
Sincerely,
Ms. Shannon Dale
I am writing a book about my illness, if anyone knows who I can go to about publishing it let me know, email me for any questions or comments at
Nosz4a2@aol.com