Introduction: I sit in a quiet room all alone - my choice to be here. The only safe choice tonight - to come here away from the outside world and all the temptations - I had to get away, to safety, to solitude; to this mental institution.
It was here tonight or it was to hell. I didn't really fancy hell, although I did seriously contemplate that option. "Suicide is painless" is how the song goes... painless for the victim, but not for the victim's friends, family and work colleagues. Not painless for them... they have to live on with the burning question , "Why? Could I have done anything to stop her; was it something I said or did? Why?"
That's not fair - to do that to someone is really not fair - not nice, unkind and cruel. Very cruel. I would deserve to burn in hell if I took that final step - the ultimate act of selfishness... suicide isn't painless, not for most people.
I must think this when I feel depressed. Think of others as I lock myself away... think of the ones that would be left behind. The people who I would be kicking in the face, the friends that I love when well, the family who care for me, the people I know. I must remember to think of them.

1) Yet, it's so hard to think of those I love when I'm feeling depressed. They don't matter then - nor do I. Nothing matters, because I no longer care; not for anyone, nor anything. When I'm well, I love and I love well. I love people , I love life; I love God's gift of life; the butterflies of summer, the sweet refreshing rain, the sea lapping on the shore... life. The opposite of which, death, is something I think deeply upon when depressed. In fact, that's all I think about, and how to reach that place of darkness. Could Hell really be more painful than this, this pain deep inside. The hurt, the dead feeling, the feeling of uselessness, hopelessness, death. And if there is a God (something I don't doubt when well) why does he make us suffer. Why oh why?
The depression is here - the dead feeling is upon me. I am trapped within the painful barriers of my mind. I have slowed up; my actions are retarded, my thoughts are slow, and my speech is slurred. I cry tears of frustration, I cry for help, I cry for love. And I cry for me.

I have locked myself away; the curtains are drawn, the doors are locked and the phone is off the hook. I don't want my friends to see me like this - I go to bed. Perhaps for a day, perhaps for two; but I won't answer that doorbell, not for anyone. I retreat from life. This isn't me; not the alive version of me anyway, this is the dead one. The one I'm ashamed of, the one I hate and want to hurt; the one that doesn't deserve friends. I wish I was dead.
Oh Lord, why me? Why do you make me suffer? - Could I not just pass away in the night. Release me from my chains of pain, release me from this earthly body, release me from this life - let me be free. I want to be free.
I know the tide will turn again and I will feel well, even happy; but that makes the pain no less. The pain is here and now, the pain is with me and through me. Please Lord, take away the pain. I can't take anymore. I don't want to be in this life anymore. Please, oh lord, hear my prayer.
The Lord hears not, or chooses not to hear. I am alive; or rather I am breathing, eating and sleeping. The body is still functioning, if slowly; it is the mind that is dead. It is my heart and soul which have died - there will be no party tonight.
Where can I go when I feel like this - wretched, useless, hopeless and lifeless. There is no place on earth to hide away; there is no place for me here. I just want to run, but I don't know where and I don't really care.
Depression; this is depression. Not wanting to live, not wanting to be seen, not caring who calls, not caring who is, not caring at all. This is depression.
Wanting to die, thinking only of death, not wanting to live. This is depression I just want to be free.

2) The tide has turned - I want to live and be me. I call a friend or two; I'm alive again. Hello life - it's good to be back.
Now I'm flying high - like a bird in the sky. Nothing can stop me now - I feel so good - so confident and competent. I could fly to the moon. The boundaries have gone and I am free.
I think I'm well, but really I've gone high and I'm staying that way. It's a good feeling - like being slightly tipsy without losing your co-ordination. Life is rosy and I believe I can do anything I put my mind to.
I'm no longer slow and retarded - my speech is no longer slurred. I am quick at everything; quick in movement , quick in speech, and quick in thought. I experience a 'flight of ideas' which must be implemented straight away. There is no time to waste when I'm in this state.
I play badminton and squash and go out an awful lot. I meet new friends and am extremely sociable; and with men I'm even flirtatious. I'll hate myself later, when I come down again. I don't like this side of me, it's something to be ashamed of. I shall feel guilty about some of the things I've done and said while flying high. Oh Lord, forgive me for my sins for there are many when I'm high. I'll try to be more Christian and speak to you every day, even when I'm high.
It's hard to gain self-control; the power is in me and flowing through me. It's a great feeling to have so much strength and to feel in control (even though I'm not). Nothing and no-one can stop me now. I am free and I think I've found me.
But this isn't really me - I'm not really an extrovert when I'm normal. 'Normal' to me is being quiet and thoughtful, conscientious, caring about life and caring about people. The 'high' me isn't really me at all - it's a side of me I don't like. A side of me I wish I could forget. The side I'd like to lose.
I'm flying high and I'm out of control - my pulse is racing and I feel fine. I know I'll do something stupid, something I'll regret - I always do. One day I shall go just one step too far, to the wrong side of the law. I wonder if the police would understand - the fact that I go manic and am out of control, or whether I'd be charged? I just wonder sometimes. I shall overspend when high - I always do. I'll also drink far too much and smoke like a chimney. If I know all this, why do I still carry on doing the same things, making the same mistakes - repeating the same pattern. Why, God why?

3) How am I today? I ask myself as I rise. Every day is different, every day a surprise. I could be high and wake early, eager to start the day. I might well clean my flat from top to bottom before seven in the morning, and then do my washing, before setting off for work at eight. I do a full day at work and then play a game or two of squash, go for a drink or go for a meal with one friend , and then arrange to meet someone else later in a different pub. I might get to bed before one a.m., and then be awake again at four or five, ready to start another overactive day. This will go on for about ten to twelve days before I suddenly slump and need to sleep for two solid days to catch up. This is the start of a low phase - I wake late and find it hard to start each day.
Each morning is different - the mood is not affected by the weather, nor by any particular circumstance at the time. The mood is with me when I wake - it is a part of me, attached to my soul, a part of my life . It is me, my personality; I am what my mood makes me. One day, happy go-lucky; the next day sad, miserable and self-pitying. Why the change? God alone knows.
I wish He'd let me know which is the real me - which is 'Sue' - the sad, self-pitying girl or the effervescent, bubbly lass? Which is it to be? Will I always be so changeable - will I always suffer these mood swings? I hope not, and I pray not.
How can anyone plan their life when they don't know if they'll feel capable of doing something on a certain day. It's impossible. I end up letting people down frequently, especially myself; most often I let myself down. It's hard to live with, and is very confusing for family and friends alike. One day I'll love their company, the next, I could withdraw and not want anyone anymore. I don't think I could cope with being one of my 'sometime friends' - it isn't very nice for them. No-one knows where they are and no-one knows who you are.
I pray for stability, I work toward stability, but it's so very hard. My mind changes like the wind; in one mood I will make a decision, and in the other mood I shall change my mind and do the opposite. How do people rely on me?
Consistency is what I need, and each time I get it or begin to get some stability, I 'crash' and ruin every foundation made, every stone laid. Why do I feel the need to run, the need to fly away from roots and foundations; from the people I love? Why? The question isn't answered. I am lost again. My mind is pulsating with all the racing thoughts and questions - stop it, Lord now; please Lord, stop it pulsating now. I need to rest, I need to gain my composure and start rebuilding and re-laying those foundations. Stability is the key word to the solution of my problems - the ebb and flow of my mood swings. Show me the way Lord, to lay those foundation stones, and build upon them with security - and find the answer to that key word of stability. I trust in thee, oh Lord, for I have no-one else. I have turned my back on family and friends once too often - I must trust solely in your love, and your strength. I trust in thee, Lord. Please give me the strength to carry on and persist in reaching that seemingly unattainable goal of stability.

4) This is my life. The last three chapters have told you how my mood varies, how my personality changes and how my life is affected by these violent mood swings. It's a full-time occupation taking note of the swings; adjusting my life to cope with the variations in mood. My personality is absorbed by them; my life is obsessed with them. Who am I? - Does anyone know the real me? I think not - I am what my moods make me. I can tell you who I was - the good daughter of Arthur and Margaret. The normal happy, unrebellious, placid schoolchild. What happened after puberty is a mystery. I became someone else; or even some people. I am a mix of many things, a badly shaken cocktail of emotions and feelings. One day I might learn to know me; who and what I am, and where I'm at. But not yet, not for some time I think.
I grew up in a secure, stable family. I have a lovely loving mother and father, both of whom are still alive. I have a lovely, caring older brother and sister. I am very lucky and yet I'm very sad. Does this make sense? Does it all add up? The answer to this is no. I know this, yet I can't change how I feel. I am what I am, I am what I feel.

5) Going steady.
I'm steady now, and although it's not as much fun; it's much safer. It's safer than thinking I'm a princess with a fortune to spend every day; it's safer than thinking I can fly - it's much safer to have both feet on the ground; much safer.
This is another Sue; one we've not seen before - well, not since being a teenager. Steady Sue, reliable Sue - did I ever think I'd meet this 'safe' Sue? No! I thought she was gone forever - given over to the 'scatterbrained' Sue. Thank God I was wrong. Thank Heavens that the stable Sue was still within reach.
I might never have known this if I hadn't come up to London; I might still be trapped within the confused body of two-sided Sue; the one who could be down one minute and up in the sky the next. Thank God I went to London - for I have found me. So now I've been set free from the wild exhilaration of flight - free from the torment of vast swings of mood. Sue is here - "Hello World, it's good to be free."

Sue Marsh

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