I have been in the hospital 4 times, on too many anti-depressants to count, and have seen my fair share of doctors.
Im 22 years old and recently married with 2 step-daughters. I should be so very happy right now, so why am I so sad? I was diagnosed with major depression in january, they say I have had it for years.
I attempted suicide in march, (march 12th, a date ill never forget). I was released from the hospital 1 week before this day by a doctor who couldnt have cared less. I told him if he sent me home I was gonna kill myself, but he didnt seem to believe me. Yet knowing that I have a stash of pills at home, he sends me home with 2 more bottles.
The nurses and therapists there dont understand why I am so upset that he is sending me home, even though, in art therapy, I draw a picture of me staring at a table full of prescriptions with the caption, "I want to die and I dont know why, thanks for all your help!"
they dont understand that for the first time in my life I am asking someone for help and I am not getting it. I feel like I am screaming as loud as I can "help me please" but no one can hear me, or they just ignore it.
After I over doesed with the pills, I waited to die, begging god to forgive me, but 2 hours later I feel the effects wearing off so I went home and my mom called 911.
Those people at the hospital I went to just dont understand, they look at you like they wish you would have died so they wouldnt have to put up with you, the doctor in the er even telling me all I had to do was take 5 more pills and I would have succeeded, how stupid can they be?!
I counted the pills as I swolled them, so for future reference I know all I have to do is take 60 of the pills I took instead of 55!
I quit my meds and quit going to my therapist about 4 months ago, I wanted to defeat this on my own, to my surprise I cant, I cant do it on my own and it tears my heart out to know this.
Everyone thinks I'm "better" but thats only because I am so good at hiding it.
I sit everyday, while my husband is at work, and I am watching after the girls, knowing how worthless I am, and that I dont deserve to live, I sit here on the computer all day, the apartment is a mess and I dont have enough energy to clean it, nor do I have the energy to do anything but sit here wanting more than anything in the world to die!
The only thing that stops me is the fact that these poor innocent little girls would have to see that, they dont deserve this!
My husband is leaving for boot camp january 3rd, he's joining the army. The girls are supposed to be staying with their "biological" mother, I am finally going to be all alone. I am terrified of this time, knowing that I will have the opportunity to do what I so desire.
I would love to go to a support group, but there are none for depression where I live, at least if there are I cannot find them.
I want so badly to be able to laugh and smile and really mean it, not just to do it to hide the fact that my heart hurts and all I want to do is cry, all I want is for someone to believe that I am worth the help I need.
I cant go back into the hospital, they would just treat me like they did before, like I am just worthless and dont need help, that I am lying about being sick. All the while I am dieing inside and no one seems to care.
Suicidal thoughts go through my head everyday, I have so many things I want to do to myself, why am I not worth it, why does everyone else's life mean more than mine, why is everyone else more important than I am?
Yet I still sit here, knowing what I need to change about myself, knowing what I want to make of my life, but not knowing how, and not having the help I need available to me.
I could tell my husband when he gets home how awful I really feel, how badly I want to die, but that would hurt him, I could never hurt him like that again.
God has givin me a second chance and I am to worthless to know what to do with it.
Life has no meaning to me, I want to die, and someday I will get what I want, it will come in time, all I can do is wait.
Written by Misha, living in hell on earth!