Essence...

Here I am at the age of 26, sitting in darkness, empty space, empty thoughts, lack of emotions, nothing. It's all gone, the spirit of my soul, it has gone and left me to be, here on my own in my living hell. But you know I don't mind, being alone, away from the rest of the world, because I know I can't make everyone understand my point of view. Maybe you think I'm lazy, maybe you see it as a weak sign of character,perhaps you think I'm a bitch, maybe you think I'm just crazy.

Darkness is not the opposite of light, it's the absence of light.

Sometimes my mind will take me into a world where I can see the light shining thru ever so softly upon the earth that stands before me, a world of freedom, a life, a moment, full of dreams, I feel the arms of love that embraces me from all around and I will love you forever and always. Moments like this makes me think about all the things I would miss if I were to go to that place so far away.
Returning to reality, becoming a part of life, once again for a brief moment I can see a reason to go on living. Too much to live for and not enough time. I want do everything and be everything for you, for me, for everyone.

But never to fail............. I fall back into my darkness, it pulls me further and further into my world where nothing matters. Sleep comes to me so easily, I don't want to wake up from the nightmare to have it become my reality, time seems to stop and I sit here, looking at these four walls, wondering "When will it end?" All the attempts I have made to take my own life but never to succeed, leaves me with more anger and guilt every time.

I don't feel like I have the right to feel or act the way I do because I can't explain to you or anyone else why I feel the way I feel. Growing up , everyone thought it was a part of my growing up, puberty they called it. I recently was diagnosed with PTS(Post-Traumatic-Syndrome) and with Bipolar Disorder Two, Hypomanias with depressive or major depressive episodes,about 9 months ago. All these years wondering why I couldn't function and be productive like most of society and how I couldn't find my life worthwhile. I wonder, only if when I was locked up for the first time in a mental ward at the age of 13 old, if they would have diagnosed with the correct diagnosis, perhaps my living hell wouldn't of gotten so out of control. They diagnosed me with Compulsive Disorder when all the symptoms and signs of depression and PTS were so clear to them............to me. It makes me wonder....
All these anti depressants and all these mood stabilizers.The shaking and the tremors of my hands from the 1500mg. of Depakote and the 500 mg. of Wellbutrin, it'll never be enough.
The brain will overpower and overcome everything for we are the ones who created all these pills in the first place. Didn't we?!

Maria

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