I have decided it is about time I admit to myself that I am really not well. I live a life that now can imagine. My moods are never predictable and my eating disorder is the only thing I like but is destroying me and not letting my Bipolar get better. You think I could just snap out and fix it!? I can't. I live in a another world that is impossible for people to feel and imagine. I have had Rapid cycling Bipolar since I was 16 I think. I was diagnosed in grade 12 and now almost 10 years later it has changed my entire path. I live with highs for that I talk so fast and constantly that I can hear it inside. I get agitation and irritable at anything. I spend so much money and loose control of everything. I can not concentrate which means my school plans and work are pushed away again. I have so much energy and can't stop moving. But believe all this I still enjoy it better than lows. I always crash and the depression is lie my worst nightmare. For some reason I never remember it being this bad. I feel terrible, low, useless, and dumb. The only I can do is be negative. I always get the feeling of hopelessness and usually get suicidal. I in both states get no sleep and can be seen as sick. This is combined with my eating disorder. It is hell. I am not thin enough and I want to be 90lbs. I weigh myself billions of times a day and obsess over every thing to do with my anorexia. At first the doctors never saw it but as I started to stabilize the bulimia got stronger. I lost 100lbs within four years mostly 70lbs this year. But still I feel fat. Now that I am looking normal size people see me as better. I lost weight and everything looks normal, I always work whether I am sick or not. I go from hospital unless I am in Intensive care (psych). My life is worst now. I rapid cycle because of the eating disorder and I deep down want to stop making it worse but I do not want to give up my coping until I am thin and not so alone. Until this time I am in and out of hospital. I want to get better but my mood has to be stable to work on the eating disorder and the eating disorder has to go away to control my moods!I feel I am living a life no person could feel and imagine.