In the Comfort of the darkness

You know the nights like this, so very dark, and gloomy. All is quiet except for the whisper of the continuous fall of the rain. Occasionally there is the growl of thunder in the background, however, too far off to be of consequence.

She sits in this gloom, perusing her day, daily life, or life in general...its all one big blur; one day leads into the next without diversions to differentiate one from another.

The darkness envelops her, comforts her, and seems to be the only friend that understands her without judgement. The only friend with whom she is truly at peace A friend that requires nothing of her. A friend that allows her the thoughts that there is no time for during the brightness of the daylight. The daylight is not her friend. During the day she longs for the darkness, which is now wrapping her in its silkiness.

She sits and thinks in this gloom breathing in the aroma of the silence. No meetings to attend. No, car pool to worry with. No requests taxing her time. She enjoys the blanket of the darkness. For during the brightness of day she isn't allowed her gloom. There simply is no time.

Oh, but now she revels in the darkness. It allows her the lost thoughts of the day. The thoughts she daren't speak aloud for fear of being told they aren't proper or that she shouldn't think that way." The anger shows as lightning bolts in the darkness. How dare any one tell her what she should and should not think or feel. They don't, or wont, understand. Does she not have a right to feel the darkness and gloom that is her life? There is another lightning bolt. She fears the anger. It is too tiring for her to deal with. She quickly changes her thinking as she has trained herself for the daylight. There, the darkness chases the flashes of anger away. Once again, she is comforted by the blackness.

She wishes the darkness would stay forever. The enjoyment that comes with the darkness is the stillness. The stillness is as she wishes her heart could be. The beating of her heart shatters the stillness as fine crystal she would love to hurl against the mockery that is her life. Oh, how she wishes it would just stop and give her permanent stillness, darkness, and comfort. Even her own heart betrays her. For no matter how she wishes it, wants it, or yearns for it, her heart will not stop and give her the peace she desires.

She doesn't understand why she can find no joy in her life. Why does she insist everyone be as miserable as she? Why does she want no one to love her? Why does it sadden her when they do? Is it because she knows she will only cause them pain? Does she enjoy inciting their pain?

The darkness allows her to be alone. When she is alone there is no one for her to hurt. Why cant she just run away into the darkness? If she just could go into the darkness permanently; she would not have to think about hurting the ones who love her.

But, God in his usual lacking of judgement does not allow this; if only to deny her the peace she desires. How can he be a truly merciful and loving God and allow those around her to be the victim of this pain she inflicts? Why does he not remove the source of their pain? Is he making them suffer to ensure her misery? Or does history just repeat itself in the premise that many shall suffer at the villainy of one?

There are the bolts of anger again. She must be careful or she will lose the comfort of the night. Some nights are harder than others to get through without the anger taking over her gloom.

Her anger should not be directed at others or even God, she supposes. She knows the source of her misery and only has to look in the mirror of her soul to see its origin. She holds the title to the cause of all everyone's unhappiness. For this is why she seeks out the night. How could one be so vile a creature? Did God form this hideous monster in his image? Or did Hell spew her from its bowels to reign terror on those who love her? Was her purpose destined to be the one who ruins everything and everyone she touched?

Was this body meant to betray her? Healthy enough to be able to make everyone as miserable as she, but too hideous to be desired? A body too ill to perform tasks required of her, but not ill enough to stop her heart and give her the peace she and her loved ones desire?

Is there any relief from the misery and pain? The only lasting relief would be her death. But, alas that is not to be realized, and she knows this. For now the darkness and stillness of the night will have to do. Thank God for the night.