Confessions of a Codependent
On the Road to Recovery
Susan Peabody
Both of my parents had emotional problems and I never felt loved. I remember feeling sad, lonely, rejected, angry, and ashamed of the way I looked. I don't ever remember being happy. To ease my emotional pain, I started fantasizing. It was a great escape. I dreamed about romantic love, meeting the perfect man someday, having a family, and living happily ever after. This fantasizing was a great diversion, but I overdid it. I couldn't concentrate on what my teachers were saying because I was always looking out the window daydreaming about finding my Prince Charming.
When I was nineteen years old, I became desperate to have a relationship so I married the first man who showed an interest in me. Unfortunately, Ray was an unemployed alcoholic. I tried to be a good wife to Ray. For me, this meant taking care of him. At first it wasn't so bad. I kind of enjoyed caretaking because it made me feel benevolent, even superior. This gave me a false sense of self-esteem. Taking care of Ray also made me feel needed or indispensable. It gave me an identity.
When it came to taking care of Ray nothing was left unattended. Since Ray was unemployed I tried to find him a job. Because he was a Viet Nam veteran, I tried to counsel him and care for his emotional wounds. Because he was abused as a child, I accepted it when he got drunk and abused me. Whatever Ray's problem was, I tried to fix it.
While taking care of Ray was sometimes difficult, there were also a lot of advantages. It killed a lot of time and was a great distraction from my emotional pain (anger, shame, loneliness, depression, fear, low self-esteem, etc.) My problems faded when I concentrated on Ray's problems. I did not see myself as controlling. I did not see my caretaking as a way to avoid recognizing that I had problems of my own ? that Ray was not the only one who needed fixing. I also didn't realize that I should not be doing for Ray what he should be doing for himself; that I should not be trying to substitute charity for intimacy. However, I was doing the best I could at the time. I really didn't know any better and I thought I was being a good wife.
Of course, I wanted more than I was getting out of the marriage, but I was not ready to demand it or to consider getting a divorce. Divorce was the worst kind of sin I thought. So I cried when my birthday went unnoticed. When Ray didn't come home, I just kept busy. I baked, sewed, cleaned house, and took care of our children ? anything to keep myself occupied so I didn't have to feel the pain I was in.
Over the years my health began to deteriorate. I developed a spastic colon and high blood pressure. I was chronically depressed and almost died in a car accident. (I couldn't see the road because I was crying.) At some point, I knew that I was in trouble, but I didn't know what to do. All I wanted was love, and yet it seemed as if this was an unattainable dream. Life was one long, continuous dark night of the soul and I didn't even know why.
While it seemed as if Ray and I would never break up, eventually the abuse got out of hand and I divorced him. Then I became involved in a series of relationships that were similar to the one I had with Ray, even though I never married these other men. All of these relationships failed because I was too emotionally unstable and immature to select an appropriate partner. When I met someone I was attracted to I just fell in love and became dependent on the relationship before I knew what hit me. Then my clinging made things worse and soon my partner would leave me.
Eventually I had a nervous breakdown and knew I needed help. I had been in therapy before and seemed to get nowhere. So this time I went to a 12-Step support group and continued to read. Through books I explored the roots of my codependency ? my dysfunctional childhood and its legacy of shame, a profound hunger for love, and a overwhelming fear of abandonment ? but it was the accountability of my support group that really stimulated me to change the distorted values, thoughts and behavior that had been the basis of my codependency. Within months of being in the group I found myself avoiding some of the pitfalls I had always fallen into before.
However, despite all my progress there was still something missing, and after my initial burst of hopefulness I fell into a deep depression. Apparently information about codependency and the help of others was not enough for a full recovery. I didn't know what to do so I talked to a friend of mine whose recovery was going better than mine. She asked me to think about finding a Higher Power. After some soul searching I decided to try finding a benevolent force in the universe. I prayed everyday and I offered to turn my "life and will over to the care of God." Shortly thereafter, I had a wonderful experience. I was sitting in my kitchen. Everything was clean and bright. The curtains were drawn and the sunlight poured through the window. I was thinking about God and then suddenly a feeling of well-being took over my consciousness. I felt peaceful and content. All of my fears disappeared. I felt as if everything in the universe was in order. I just suddenly knew that even the chaos of this world was part of God's plan, and that everything was being taken care of. This serenity and trust was so exhilarating that I felt overwhelmed and grateful. I closed my eyes and basked in the warmth of the sun and the "peace of God which passes all understanding." (Phil 4:7)
To hold onto my new "conscious contact" with God, I began to talk to him as one might talk to a close friend. I talked about my fears and my dreams. I talked about every subject under the sun. I said "good morning" and I said "goodnight." I said "thank you" for my newfound serenity. I also imagined myself as a little child being held and comforted by my Higher Power. Everywhere I went, God went with me. Of course, this budding friendship with God was quite exciting. Since I am a compulsive talker, having a non-stop conversation with an invisible friend was really a lot of fun. Then, one day I had another spiritual experience ÷ one that was to profoundly affect my self-image. I was looking at myself in the mirror and feeling horrible about myself. I had never liked the way I looked. Then, suddenly, I felt a feeling of being loved and accepted. This feeling was so powerful that I started to cry. Then I found myself sobbing and saying to God out loud, "You really don't care what I look like, do you?" "You really do love me just the way I am." Then I sensed in a deep way God's unconditional love for me. I was overwhelmed that his love went beyond an appraisal of how I looked, that it was unconditional. As I stepped away from the mirror, I was still crying. I thought about how long I had waited for this type of acceptance and unconditional love. I thought about how I had looked for it from everyone I had ever loved and never found it. Now, finally, it had come from an unexpected source ? from God and from within.
God's validation of me quickly made up for the experience of being rejected by my parents when I was a child, and after learning that I was lovable I was able to learn how to love myself. This dissipated my depression and raised my self-esteem. Suddenly my recovery from codependency was complete.
Today I am in full recovery from my codependency and to celebrate I have written a book entitled Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Recovery. It chronicles my struggles and offers helpful information to other who are on the road to a happy and fulfilling life - free from codependency.