20 years old, just diagnosed. My mother, her mother, all bipolar. My father's mother once asked me if I had what my mother had. I thought she was accusing me of being sub-human. That's what I thought. Never really knew my mom. Knew she was weird. Retarded? Completely socially inept (well, I had that part down pretty well). Cry baby, until 6th grade. Got a hold of myself then, and ended up in the psych hospital. Didn't understand what was going on. Got some happy pills, made my mouth dry. Let the pain go with real pain. Scars beautiful, until you ask about them. Now I lie. Wish I could cover them year round. Ran away, 3 times, went back to the hospital, with my wrist stuck to my shirt. Cuffed that way, cop didn't care. Got some sleepy pills to make a cocktail. Legal, didn't have to figure a dose. Sleep, all day. Sent away, throw away. That's what I thought. thrown away again. Ok. Run away. There. Do what I want. Mom's annoying me, her own little world. Men, some drugs, work, school. All dope to me. Swallow a handful of pain pills with a liter of gin. Damn I woke up. Threw up. Hate life, hate it. Hide behind work. Ok, I'll make some more money, and spend it all. Phone shut off. $85 dollar blouse, ripped. How'd that happen? Men, invincible, try me. C'mon. Let me prove I'm the best, your only. Next.... next.... Anyone? Ok. Not worth it. Not Loveable. Not good for anything. Can't keep anything. Not normal (no, not that, anything but that!). Nothing to live for. Death won't work, Doesn't seem to want me either. Loverboy comes... new furniture, diamonds, electronics, fighting, desperate, insecure.... Cops are here, knife to his throat. I can't stand down. Something to live for. Maybe we can try it again later. Not now. Tempest in my mind again. Whirling dervish of thoughts. How do I clean this up? Not Normal (go away). Hide between the sheets. Yours or mine, doesn't matter. No smokes, lose weight, get job, look good. Get Normal (about time). Can't hang on much longer........
4 handfuls of pills, pissed. Didn't want to live, didn't want to be in pain anymore. dont' want to die with out saying I'm sorry. don't know who to say it to. On phone, stay awake, knock on the door. Sheriffs, Open up. Code two, ambulance, What's happening.... Manager and neighbors staring. Humiliation. Clothes taken off, gown on. Tube shoved down my throat. Won't go down. Swallow it! Rinse. Black stuff pouring down my mouth. Lay back. Stare at the ceiling. Six hours. Nurse with an attitude. Not normal (don't remind me). Eat? Sure, wanna pump that up too? More needles. Play with the pulse recorder thingy. 6 more hours. Another ambulance. guy looks at me like I could have been.... take a picture.... Sleep, no pillow. Wake up, not supposed to be here. Grass is too green, Blossoms, too purple. Yepp, I'm really here, Shit. Now what. Dr. (Freud? funny accent and all) Do you want to hurt yourself? Gee, I don't know. Time goes slow in here. Scared. I can't walk away from these people. Whore, a guy yells. shot in the butt for him. I don't belong in here! lemme out! County.. might as well be jail. Lot's of sugar and junk food though. Finally relax in the dayroom, and admit!? Here's your pill, you can go home. No more job, No friends, Now What? They trust me?
Ok, well, here goes nothing. Pills make me dizzy, tired, but feel a little better. Kinda. Heres another one. Ok. Not Normal. (nope, never will be). Waiting for the pills to work their magic; Waiting for the county to give me some help; Waiting for my own prejudice to go away. Stigma. Not Normal (since when are normal people any happier?)
Del