Reading another's account of the consequences they had suffered as a result of Bipolar Disorder compelled me to share one of my own. I could never summarize it all! The most recent stigma I suffered, however, was when I was forced to quit a job of 3-1/2 years due to my doctor finally putting her foot down and saying very loudly and clearly, "No More!!!"....

I had been working an overnight, weekend position in the social services field, and the wage was extremely low (especially for someone with a college education who graduated with honors....), but I was able to work without having daycare expenses nullify more than half of my weekly earnings at a full-time 8-5 job. (Not to mention that I didn't have to purchase business attire, contend with rush hour traffic, pay for parking, etc.) The job had started out as a "sleeping position", but over the course of time, had evolved more and more into a janitorial position, with all of the duties the day staff didn't care to do being lumped onto the overnight personnel.

By the time I was done playing "janitor", it was usually 2am and I was WIDE awake from the sheer exercise of sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, doing laundry, cleaning the refrigerator, bagging up trash - well, you get the idea. If I was lucky enough to fall asleep at all, the facility next door (on the same alarm system) had a habit of "accidentally" (?) tripping off the alarm off and on all night long anyway. (Their overnight staff was required to remain awake, and suffice it to say there was a fair degree of resentment on their part....) What had started as a seemingly "ideal job" had slowly but steadily evolved into something of a nightmare - particularly for someone with Bipolar II, who was prone to severe mood swings to begin with, and whose circadian rhythms were being thrown as far out of whack as was possible. While some of the people working overnights could go home and adjust their schedules accordingly, my children's schedule did not permit me to do this. I wound up sleep deprived, to say the least, and was experiencing migraines and stomach problems in addition to the "moodiness" (an understatement!).

Despite all this, in 3-1/2 years time, I had only called in sick for two shifts, and (unlike the people who relieved me on Sat. & Sun. mornings....!) I was always prompt in arriving. It was an awful job, in a lot of ways, but I had needed the money. I still needed it when, after stringing her along for two years, my doctor finally demanded I quit immediately.

Working for a social service-related agency that caters to people with different backgrounds and a wide variety of problems, I was completely shocked by the response that I received upon turning in my resignation, "effective immediately, due to doctor's orders". It was considerately written, and I expressed regret that I was unable to provide the usual notice, but explained that it was due to medical reasons. I thanked them for their employment, and asked for their understanding. I even secured coverage for four out of my six remaining shifts.

The very next day, my supervisor called and verbally attacked me on the telephone. I just sat there stunned, not ever having anticipated such an unprofessional reaction, and not having any clue what to say. I was asked the particulars of the situation, which I chose to disclose in further detail, and was told, "Well, you've already been working these shifts for 3-1/2 years, I seriously doubt you're going to drop dead if you work a few more of them." (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) She went on and on about the "position" I was leaving her in. (Nevermind that this agency has an entire FLEET of on-call personnel designed for the absence of regular staffers, or that there were only TWO measly shifts to cover. All that was required of her was to pick up the phone and request coverage.) She also insinuated, rather strongly, that she doubted there was any merit whatsoever to my claim of medical reasons. She kept saying, "Well, you sure hid it awfully well. No one around here ever would have known....". It wasn't said in a complimentary tone of voice, either!

Even though it was a part-time job, I had been accruing vacation time throughout my employment, and since I rarely made use of it (every year when the new year rolled over, I lost hours of time I could have / should have taken off...), I had a good deal of time built up which employees are typically paid for upon leaving. However, I was denied this privilege since I had "chosen" to leave without proper notice. This amounted to nearly $500 that I lost, because my medical reason (despite a doctor's signed note) was deemed "inadequate to justify immediate termination".

Not only did I lose this money, but more importantly, I lost what would otherwise have been a "good" job reference. Having been the only job I ever held in the field which I graduated, this has the effect of nullifying my entire work experience there. Since in my region of the country there is typically 6 mos.-2 yrs. experience required just to get your foot in the door on psych./soc. related jobs, I will now be back to square numero uno....

In general, I would like to say that due to my bipolar disorder, my day-to-day life is completely chaotic. I am unpredictable and inconsistent. Medication has effectively trimmed off my "highs" (typically the agitated-state variety, altho. these were also the only times I seemed able to get things done....), but has me functioning at a very substandard level. I used to at least have spurts of being supermom, altho. I went into overdrive and alarmed people who didn't understand what I was all about. I made elaborate cakes for the kids' birthdays, and at least occasionally worked my house up to a near-impeccable condition.

Now, it seems we live in a constant state of mediocrity and disarray. Our house is not dirty, but it is cluttered and disorganized. I seem unable to keep track of what I am doing long enough to finish any one thing. I strongly suspect that I may be suffering from ADD as well, but due to the fact that it is not yet widely understood or recognized in adults, particularly women (since it presents itself differently), I have been unable to get help for this aspect of my problem.

I frequently feel as if I am watching my life pass me by. I live in regret for the standards I would like to uphold but cannot, and feel guilt for shortchanging my spouse and my children. I feel as if we all need someone taking care of us, and making our home a pleasant place to be, since I fall so short in that category.

Come this fall, when my husband's income tapers off, we will be in a bind as to where my lost income will come from. Overnight positions are strictly off-limits now, and working days will leave me spinning my wheels, and sticking my kids in daycare. Due to the irregularity and unpredictability of my husband's hours, I am unable to commit to working evenings anywhere, and he is also unable to secure extra work for the same reason.

I hope that someday our lives will even out. That I will gain some control over myself. That we can lead somewhat "normal" lives. That others who have mental health issues will not receive discriminatory treatment. And, that something I've said here today makes at least one other person realize they are not alone.

Friend & Fellow Sufferer,

Amy