I am 31, god that seems so old to me now. I was diagnosed when I was 26. I had gone through a major life crisis. My boyfriend of nearly 8 yrs, with whom I lived and supported, moved in with his new girlfriend and let me know by leaving me a note on the table when I came home from school. Great.

So my life fell apart. I fel into a deep depression and basically slept for nearly two weeks...I only got up for bathroom breaks and to feed/walk the dog...then back to the couch to sleep. I didn't eat much either, mostly sugar water. I lost a total of 50lbs in a month or two. I looked like a bag lady. I didn't wash or anything.

Then the counsellor at my school gave me an opportunity. Instead of going home defeated I could stay for free at the dorm for the summer. Get myself together. I said no at first. That was a Thursday.

I don't know what happened exactly. I just remember I suddenly got very happy...estactic. When I walked into his office on Moday morning I had my hair done, new outfit and the brightest smile ever made. I was on top of the world. I had just lost everything I owned (I had to sell off) but I saw not one reason for anything but happy happy happy! Needless to say he thought this was odd.

I began counselling with him and began to explore many things which had troubled me for years.

Soon I was diagnosed with a thyroid tumor. Everyone thought this was the source of all my troubles. Walking at 3am, spending cash everywhere, talking nonstop. Well, they suppressed my thyroid and then removed most of it. I know my thyroid is ok because I began gaining weight again. After I was officially "euthyroid" (meaning I was in the normal range) I got diagnosed with bipolar two.

I am dismayed at the number of descriptive things about it on the internet. Lists of symptoms and plenty of BPI stories. I guess I felt maybe I could help by adding my own.

People with BPII have a big problem. I mean, BPI is hard to argue with....if you have acute psychosis or delusions it is hard to explain those away. But for BPII the trouble is more that you have very intense emotions and you are constantly caught in a struggle. Sometimes I can't honestly explain how I feel. It leaves you miserable and confused.

The outright clear signs are easy enough. The money spending, talking, being oblivious to distressing things...those things I mentioned were all there. But while I may have occasionally seemed a little over enthusiastic or eccentric, most people would not have called me "crazy."

For me the illness takes away my balance. I am at it's mercy emotionally when I am not on meds. I can't describe how intense my feelings are. It's like the illness is more of an emotional amplifier for me. Anger feels so violent inside...happiness is more like sheer elation. I feel emotions like some people taste food or hear sounds. They are tangible.

I am very talented. I can draw, paint, sculpt, sing. I have been an A+ student in university and received scholarships. I have great people skills...and people generally like me. Not your typical nut huh? But I am the typical nut...at least the typical BPII variety. That is the hard part. Everyone, including me sometimes, wants to find everything but the dog to explain away my troubles. No one wants to believe that a well-rounded, intelligent person could get this illness. If they accept that they just might have to accept that it can happen to anyone...including them.

So I struggle. Sometimes the struggle is with the illness. Days of sobbing, irritability, rage....irreverent laughter. Other times it is with accepting I have it...or helping someone else accept I have it. Having to defend my illness....imagine that. Defend my right to be as crazy as the next guy, insisting I have an illness I don't even want. Now THAT is crazy.

Frances

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