My bipolar life
I was 24 when first diagnosed with manic-depression..I am now in my forties. My life has been a mix of mania, suicide attempts, mild depressions, hypomania, and now very rapid-cycling. I am now labelled with the diagnosis of Bipolar Affective Disorder, mixed, severe. Lithium, Tegretol, mellaril, Elavil, Tofranil, Prozac, Zoloft, Depakote, Ativan, Remeron.......plus other drugs I forget. I have had many occupations. I have been arrested for bad checks written while in the throes of swings....I am always shocked when I level out and have to deal with the consequences. I am afraid to open the door, afraid to answer the phone. I feel anxious today. When I felt this way two weeks ago, I was suicidal but did not follow through. I know that this illness will kill me someday, but I don't want it to be now. Why is it that I am only violent toward myself? Why do I self-destruct? When I am on an even keel, I have a healthy sense of self-worth...Why not now?
Unfortunately, I remain unemployed mainly because of background checks that reveal the bad checks. I have always made restitution, but the charges remain on my police record...Many potential employers refuse to weigh the cause vs. the record. They have told me that it is "company policy" to deny employment to someone with a police record of any kind for whatever reason. As a licensed professional, this has brought my career to a standstill. This illness that I cannot avoid is truly slowly destroying my life. I have never stolen and I have never misused prescribed drugs nor do I use street drugs. I am honorable and giving, but the police report is the only part of me that some people want to see. They just don't seem to want to understand that actions taken while manic or otherwise impaired due to bipolar affective disorder are truly beyond the control of the person affected. They also do not seem to want to note that I am under a physician's care and taking medications to relieve the symptoms. I am stable now and still cannot find work. There are people in this world that have been my patients who would never guess that I have this illness. I do not work while impaired in any way. These former patients of mine have received excellent care from me and have felt valued because I care about them. The ADA is weak. Employers prefer to not hire or they will fire a person (with BP) during the probationary period. My own family prefers to hide their heads in the sand rather than give me the love and support that I would receive if I were diagnosed with an "acceptable" terminal illness. The general public can be cruel; but, my own family (parents, siblings) have been far crueler. After all of these years, I still find so much ignorance and prejudice. I have to keep an important part of me secret for self-protection. If I was a wealthy person, I could "come out" like some of the actors and other public persons do. I am middle class and not powerful therefore, my silence. I do not dare allow my children's friend's parents know because my children will be ostracised. Knowledge of my illness would adversely affect my husband's career as well. If I had MS, MD, cancer, diabetes.......things would be different. The added pressure of keeping the silence adversely affects my life in many ways....I wish I could be honest about it.
Anon
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