Hi, my name is Alisa, and my life is doing nothing but going downhill. I have read over a lot of these articles and it seems like almost all of them are telling my story. Could it be possible that I have this many problems, this many diseases? My life is a never ending torment, one day I am happy (or the happiest I can be) and the next I feel like killing myself or at least locking myself away from the world. I have tormenting thoughts of doing some really strange things, I hear voices 99% of the time. It seems I really do have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Thank GOD the angel usually wins. I often have thoughts of praying for something bad to happen and envisioning bad things happening to those I love so very very dearly. Don't get me wrong, the part of me that is sane keeps me out of trouble, but the thoughts are killing me. I want them to stop.
I am co-dependent, I thrive on people needing me, I very rarely do for myself, I only think of what I can do to make others happy. I think this is a way for me to avoid my own problems. My jealousy at times gets unbearable for me and those around me. I am afraid someone else will be the one to make them happy and then I will not matter anymore in their life....If I don't feel needed then I don't feel a reason to live. I have four kids, but most times I don't think they need me either. Grandma and Daddy are so close. I need a lot of TLC in any form of relationship, I need to feel needed, I need to feel as though I am number one in everyones life, but my own. I don't even feel number one to myself how on earth can I feel number one to someone else. I have always been like this and I can't stop it. One day I feel as though I can rule the world and that I couldn't be stopped, the next I feel as though I am a worthless piece of crap to everyone. As my ex boyfriend pointed out, I am extremely ruled by my emotions, I cry constantly and I can't stop it.
The tormenting thoughts of perfection, the tormenting thoughts of NEEDING to be number one, the voices, the jealousy, the hating the way I look, I am JUST NOW realizing that I need help. I do function okay in life as far as getting up, cleaning, going to work, getting the kids off to school etc. But there is always something missing, always going wrong, always something is not right. The voices never stop, the needing to be needed never stops. Why can't I help myself for once, why can't I stop wondering what others think of me, why do I care so much.
I don't have insurance, nor do I have money to seek help, I am lost in my turmoil and unknowing where to turn. I have recently gone through a terrible break up with someone else who also has "problems" neither of us can explain. This was the only man I have ever felt as though I loved with all my heart, and someone I thought truely loved me inspite of my problems, turns out he left me because of both of our problems. How am I ever to be happy? If the one person I actually got a long with couldn't love me, how can I find someone that will? How can I love myself too? How do I begin to realize I am not a bad person, how do I find the love I so desperately seek, and how do I get rid of these thoughts that haunt me daily. I often think things are happening that aren't, I never give anyone the benefit of the doubt, once I set my mind that someone is cheating or doing something wrong, it is hard to change my mind. I am constantly confused as to where life is leading me and what I should be doing with my life. Someone if you know of anyway to help me Please email me thanks.
Alisa
Return to main page